Catagories

The Categories

Packaging - How well did the art department do at making you "want" to down their beer? Take into account the bottle shape, the color of the bottle, the art work on the label and how it reflects the quality of the beer once tasted. Example - if the text looks like it was hand written with a magic marker from Ms. Johnson's 5th grade art class and tastes like someone dropped their glue stick in it, the beer should receive high marks - it looks like it tastes. Text and orginality are deserving of high marks. A good example of clever and unique art work that springs to mind would be the Unibroue Brewery in Quebec (see photo). Don't forget the cap!




Color - The color of the beer is extremely important. You want a light colored beer to finish easy and smooth and a dark beer to leave something with you until the end. The color of the pour is the first thing you judge before taking the ever important step into grading the taste.






Immediate Taste - Does it Punch? Is it tasteless? Make you say: "Whoa!" These judgments should be noted the second you allow air into your mouth. Let the beer to be born on your tastebuds. Keep it simple and keep it truthful. Don't let your head over analyze it, save that for the next category.







After Taste (palate) - If the other categories are divisions of a sports team the After Taste is the Majors. What do you taste after 1/2 of the glass is downed? Have the flavor's melded or changed? Too much Hopps? And contrary to popular belief too much hops is possible. Do you taste chocolate and does it relate well with the color and original first impressions of the beer? I have had beers that were terrible on first taste and strangely got better and better as i drank, this will denote high marks in the After Taste category.

This site is intended for one purpose: to help give you my opinion on the best and worst beers from across the US and World. I was inspired by my good friend from college, Jono, almost 6 years ago to classify and grade the beers that I had the opportunity to consume. 130 beers later Eric Bargeron and Eme Crawford encouraged me to take my almost limitless criticisms to the world wide web. And here you have it. I will do my best to also place links to other sites and information out there so that you too can use the PapaToole Beer Grading System. After the German Reinheitsgebot of 1516 my grading system is equally regarded as an uncompromisingly rigid system created to remove impurity in beer.






Scale:

• 0.0-0.9 - Few beers have ever reached this most feared notch on the PapaToole Beer Grading or PTBGS. If scoring a beverage this low there are certain criteria it must meet: Is this beer truly offensive to my very existence? Are you stupider or perhaps less alive because you partook of these libations? Was this beer brewed in someones meth lab? If the answer is YES to any one of these statements it must rank somewhere between 0.0-0.9

• 1.0-1.9 - Wow! What a terrible beer! I mean really. This is usually the placement for most home brewers 1st batches. Of course you can't say this in front of them because if they are anything like me they invited a whole group of people over to try the very first batch of a classic American Pilsner that tastes more like the south end of the north bound kangaroo than beer. Also, in the PTBGS there are artistic categories that they receive a score in the 1's: you can be certain that someone used monotone color in a clear bottle and possibly used wine corks to seal the bottles.

• 2.0-2.9 - "That Right Thar is bad news" Poor craftsmanship and moreover poor quality. These are the 'ohh my god it burns...is it suppose to burn when I drink it' beers. Most often these nearly undrinkable concoctions contort the face into a near photo copy of the wrapper of a box Sour Patch Kids. Ouch!
  

• 3.0-3.9 - "Be Gone You Foul Beast!" Pauly Shore would like this beer. These beers usually dominate the college frat and party scene. Cheap as hell and the brewers usually get their yeast cultures from Wonderbread. Keystone and Colt 45 are classic examples. I won't say that I haven't downed a huge 40oz of Schlitz just to look cool in college, but I can assure you those days are in the past.
  

• 4.0-4.9 - In the words of my good friend Dr. Wu: "meh". Its not good beer. It's not terrible. Its missing something. It has too much of something that is making it taste like a bike chain (don't laugh I've said that before). But the bad is not the overwhelming part, just the part that is taking it away from sitting atop a high slot on the scale. Most of the American Pilsners that refuse to actually add flavor to their beer fall into this category . I promise not to show bias.

• 5.0-5.9 - Its important to be clear about the mid 5's. These should be the average beer scores. If you are drinking at a party and run outta beer while in the midst of an engaging conversation with one or more individuals and someone passes you a solid 5 beer on the PTBGS, you would continue mid sentence and never look down at what you just drank. These are the move-along-nothing-to-see-here beers. Please note: offensive beers need not be lumped into this category just because you think 5 means bad- please scroll up to see the definition that best matches your beer.

• 6.0-6.9 - Sixes should be C students of the PTBGS. Nothing great but drinkable and slightly enjoyable by the mass public. These beers often have 'mass-appeal' and usually don't give you terrible hangovers.
  

• 7.0-7.9 - Sevens are good beers! Respect the 7. Just as a trip through Vegas rollin' on 7's will bring you luck, a beer crafted with respect to quality and balance will net you a 'High Roller' feeling. Sometimes I give beers that are not really good low seven because the company or person that crafted the beer took a real risk in experimenting with something new and unique. Pumpkin Beer, Pepper Beer, and Lambic fermented with odd fruits stand firm here. However, shit is shit, so don't give a Jalapeño and peach blend a fighting chance if it is a terrible idea. But show respect when it is deserved.

• 8.0-8.9 - Great Beers Apply Within! These beers are the most sought after by this humble writer. More often than not they are affordable and very enjoyable to drink no matter what the occasion. Beer connoisseurs will often agree with your choices in this category. 8's help you find a slot for great beers that aren't your favorite type to imbibe. For example, if you don't really enjoy stouts, but respect them as a variety of beer, and you know that you had a well crafted stout that needs to be congratulated...place him here.
  

• 9.0-9.9 - The finest that beer has to offer. Perfect balance of flavor, alcohol, and aesthetic appeal. Just like Julia Stiles, its the full package! These beers demand to be followed up by the exact same bottle you just downed. Respect be given to these pints! Yea, though I walk in the valley of the shadow and death, Yea, I will fear no evil. I have thy liquid bread, and it is good. Special Note- *Anything over 9.5 yield power over the drinker so intense that if you happen to pass said beer at your local beverage shoppe you simply could NOT resist purchasing a 6 pack of this beer. It's beyond your control.

• 10.0 - Unless the beer is crafted by the very hand of god, do not give it a 10. Out of the hundreds of beers I have sampled never once has a beer been so good that it made my eyes roll into the back of my head. A beer so divine that you are at a loss of words and usually a loss of bladder control. This beer is out there, I MUST believe this, it is what keeps me searching.
  

With this knowledge you can now rank each beer you sample. Categories that PTBGS uses to judge the finest in fermentation will be posted in the next few days!